8-30

I temporarily lose control of myself for a little while each day.

I check her. I check you. I try to glimpse inside. I want to know what's happening but I've been shut out, I can only speculate. You said I just have to trust you and I'm trying. Is it as worthwhile, to trust someone after they've gone? I wish you had helped me to trust you before I went mad. I wish you had given me reasons to learn how to trust.

I look for clues. I look for hints and signs maybe you still think of me. I can't tell, from your cryptic words, if it's her or me you miss. Or no one? Or everyone. I press down the panic and I try to trust.

What we had was complicated, it was raw and confusing. It wasn't what I expected. It was more hurt than happiness. I don't know that it had to be that way. That's what hurts most of all.

I try to tell myself it was special, because it was for me. Despite it all. But does that make it special for someone else? All around the world someone loves more than the other. I trace the patterns back in my brain and they point to the negative. I knew it from early on, that I loved more than you, and it made me want to leave. Until you realized. Until you missed me and decided to love me just as much.

But you didn't, because people don't work that way.

I don't know if leaving you ruined a possibility, or an inevitability. Would you have stayed or gone, if I had made no move to leave?

I don't know. I want to tell you I hate you, I miss you and love you but hate hate love you. I want to say anything at all. I want the wall to crumble. I want you to be happy, but not without me, and then I feel guilty for that, and then I feel angry, and then I feel empty because you are not thinking these things for me and I am wasting so much of myself away.

I focus on my own life and I love my life and I am happy, but my mind pulls back to you, a compass to true North and the happiness dissipates.

What do your words mean? Am I in there, at all?

It is sunny, my life is good, but for a while every day I swim in the darkness. Who is in your words? Where am I in your mind?

I think I could be stronger, if I knew.

But what do I know.