It's strange how things are settling.
I think back to the day you left me alone in the orchard. I should have left you then, or the day you chose to do so much without me. I knew then.
I could be so past you by now. I could have skipped an entire lifetime of ruin.
But the dust in the air is finally settling, without her. I knew it would reach this point. I should have left her too. I'm stupid when I love, I suppose.
But I did love her, and that's boring. You didn't, Dorian, so what do I have to offer? How dull and unpoetic to be loved back.
I used to watch her speak and move and wonder sometimes. Why her? She's nothing like me. Was that the point? To fix your errors with someone smoother and sweeter? Why cut the pineapple when you can bite into the peach? Big doe eyes adoring you. I knew we couldn't last. She wanted to cling to loving you, and I wanted to let you go.
You are who you are, though. You're the man who kills spiders, who left me in the orchard, who leaned away from me in photos. Or that's who you are with me. So who were you with her? And her? And who, in the end, does that make you? Are you happy now? Do I ever haunt you in the night?
You didn't want to love me. I'm sorry you did - if I had known how hard it was for you I would have left long ago. Why would I be with someone who doesn't want to love me when I am so in need of love? And so worthy.
But the ripples from your wake are slowly fading, though I drew them out so long. All the things we should have done together that you preferred to do without me, with your brother, with her, instead, I poured all of my resources from the life we could have had and now I have a new life.
And it is calm, and it is what I have always wanted.
It gives me some comfort to know you would have been really happy here, if you had waited, if you had reached out some hand to help me. I hope one day you get a glimpse of this perfection and you are cut through and through knowing I live it without you. Despite you.
I have far to go but the path is straight before me, and I am strong and energized and content and I know I will reach all of my goals. I wanted, once, to share this life with you, but you resented me for it and now I will cling to it selfishly, luxuriating in the peace and adventure of Becoming.
