7-5

It’s hot outside. It’s hot internally. 

My brain feels warm, heated from the misty air and the constant churning of thoughts. I close my eyes for a moment, my feet moving me forward, and the brief sway of vertigo overwhelms the frenetic swirling behind my eyes.

There’s so many things I want to say to you, but I know it’s pointless. You won’t see what you did, and, besides, I said what was most important. I told you I won’t forgive you.

For a moment it washes over me and my chest is tight again. Nothing new, to fall for someone who won’t fall back. But you’re the one that broke me, and I’ll never forgive you. I’ll never not look back at all of the times I worried and expressed that you weren’t there and you convinced me that I was crazy. That’s the worst part--that I knew, but I let you talk me out of my belief. You separated me from myself, put me at war. I’m smarter than that. I’ve never wanted to be dumb so much in my life.

It frustrates me that you’ll look back and see yourself as the victim. I hated that about you. I never understood how you could pour kindness into others, and I got what was left--the black oily dredges, the lashing out, the criticism. Interspersed with so much affection and care I never wanted to leave and I put aside the bruises you left on my heart and told myself they’d heal, you’d grow one day and see what you were doing to me and stop. I wanted you to love me so badly.

I’m not angry you didn’t love me. I think you wanted to, though it was selfish on an incomprehensible level for you to know you didn’t and convince me you did. That’s what I’ll never forgive. You should have let me go.

I’m at peace with myself again. Sheepish, I was forgiven. My internal guide is back, and she’ll lead me forward so far that one day you’re nothing but a black oily mark on my past. My bruises will heal but I hope I’m a scar in your mind you carry forever.