7-24

I don’t know what words I will give how I feel about this. 

Regret. Frustration. Sadness. Bittersweet. Loss. Guilt. 

I hold onto the words, sensing their weight, but refusing to lay them down. I have not chosen the one. Is there just one? Can I encompass all that this was in one perfect sentiment? 

It’s like getting the correct lottery numbers for the day’s before. Brushing against Heaven. I sense the opportunity, so close, I know how it could be, but it’s not for me.

I don’t have control, do I? I dissected, I experimented, I tested various principles and stood back to observe the results, but no matter how I studied, you eluded me. My hands are burned, my eyes are red, and I know I failed to break through. I wore myself out. Maybe things would have been better for me if I could laugh and set aside my analyzing mind, and shake my shoulders and let your moods roll off me, but I cannot pretend to be someone else. I would have liked to be, for you.

Well, a lie. I would have liked you to be someone else, in a way. I would have liked you to speak the words and show the actions that clarified you for me. I was passionately curious, I would not have stopped, if I could have broken through. The imprint of your walls is on my heart and my hands and my head. I didn’t think I was asking for much, but it was asking for you to give me something you couldn’t, I suppose.

A sense of panic now. The Wheel is turning. The card came up. Time is over. I have no energy left to resist as life carries us onward. We are broken creatures trying to be whole. We deserve that. We both do.

I’ll hold my words inside me and give into the tide as it washes us toward better days.