Thursday, October 26, 2017

10-26

There's a swaying inside me, beneath my flesh and under the ribs where the blood flows hottest. An internal compass tugs me in different directions; I sense my needle spinning and my head waves a bit with vertigo.

To admit I was wrong has been an endeavor. I can admit I am wrong, sometimes. I am wrong about a lot of things. I am wrong about people on occasion. It happens. I want to look beneath and see the goodness, and I let myself be blinded to the rest.

I was wrong about Dorian. That's the truth. It's still so confusing. His face pops up now and again - in my phone, secret photos I saved so I could look at him I now scroll back and delete as the pit of my stomach turns. That smiling face hid so much. It seems so earnest and true, but, as I erase it forever, I must admit that I was misled. A flush of memory and he's next to me, and I'm happy and in love and anxious and foolish and angry, that vortex of emotions he always evoked.

I read texts I saved and everything goes cold again. He was cold to me. He was cruel and selfish. It's so frustrating to think of the potential. I want to shake him and remind him how it was, when he was good to me and I was happy. How could he not see that could have been our Always?

But it's past that. I've said my angry words, I've reacted to his coldness, I've been dealing with his betrayal and coming to terms with how much of what I thought I loved was falseness. He has carried those lies to another; it's no longer my concern that he lies, that he's fickle and faithless and constantly wandering in his fear and self-hatred. He made his choices and I choose not to be discarded and picked back up by someone who would toss me aside.

The new one, that blooming potential love, frightens me. I have to make myself stop, feel the compass spin, and admit it. I'm frightened to be betrayed again. I'm scared to love. I found my One Love, my Big Love, but I was wrong, somehow. My body and my heart betrayed me too, thinking to give themselves to Dorian. My entire existence is at war with what I thought I knew and what I felt and what could be.

Don't they say the best love of your life comes after the biggest mistake?

I stop and I'm scared I'm just being optimistic. Will I let myself be blinded again? He speaks in the slightest way defensively and my guard goes up, recognizing Dorian. What is he hiding, what lies, what manipulations?

He explains, he apologizes. He comforts and compliments. I want to warm to the words but I pull the Tower for him when I ask the world, and I'm frightened to let my walls crumble. What will be the end result? Will my cracked and broken foundations provide the bricks and mortar to rebuild strong, or will I be left devastated once more?

I tell him take it slow, and he does. I have to trust myself and let myself trust another.

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