Thursday, October 19, 2017

10-19 Freedom

I'm finding the freedom in my life. I'm making choices and standing by myself.

I'm playing the romantic, the optimist. I'm letting his words be truth. I'm shutting down the quiet voice in my head that wonders when, and how, he will betray me.

The words don't send quivers in my gut. His truths feel true. My internal compass doesn't twang and spin out of junction with what he says.

Time will tell.

I am ready to move to the next phase.

I am ready to wake up happy and excited. To go back to taking joy in everything. Little things that fill me with bubbles of happiness, like making coffee in the morning, putting gas in the car. A comfortable bed, animals on me. Books on the table. A small plant in the window. I never thought I would have these things and I will never not enjoy how much I have now.

It's time for the next step.

It's time to be strong and brave. To choose a life I want. To make my decisions with a voice that doesn't quake.

I'm ready to stretch forward. To take on more, to trust myself. To trust another. I play out fantasies in my head, in my new space, with a new man, with a new job, and they vibrate between beauty and terror until I halt myself and shake the shadows out.

I will try, and trying is good enough. I will grow, and growing slowly is good enough. I am scared, I am excited, I am elated.

I am ready.

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