10-11

It's strange to feel myself coming back and realize how far gone I've been.

A veil has lifted. The fog is clearing. I look around and realize the damage I've done to my life while I was walking through the haze, and it's time to set about cleaning the mess.

I am sharp and smart again. I am present. I am passionate. I feel guilt for the relationships I've let falter, for the chaos I've let build up, but I will take care of it.

I do the things that make me happy. That make me feel present. I mix scented oils in a cup until they make me close my eyes and smile. I walk the night with my little shadow girl, who has noticed my return, I think, and can't get enough of me, can't let me out of her sight, can't sleep close enough at night. It's nice to know I've been missed.

I do yoga because I'm tired of drinking away my stress, and my body is lax as I lay on clean sheets, and I make myself present and notice I am relaxed. I am not sad, I just am. It's a brick in the wall, a step forward. Growth.

Around me I have relationships to repair, but I've built them strong, and they'll survive this. I have new ones to build, ones that frighten me, but I am a wild creature and I trust myself to stand and fight for them. Are they worth fighting for?

The doubt is what angers me. The doubt he put in me I now use to punish others.

I won't live a life where I can't grow and trust because of one heart error. I won't punish others for his sins, where is the fairness in that? I am a creature of fairness. I am a strong ever-moving creature. I will tidy this, I will rebuild, I will regain.

I sleep and dream of sharks in the water, but I will not let them take me under.