9-6

It's familiar, this sense. I know what to do with the anger and betrayal. I harness it, I live on the fumes.

I didn't know what to do with heartbreak. Loneliness and sadness were new to me. They spilled out and over, out of my control.

This, I thrive on this. I collect it to me and I build my walls thicker and stronger and I coat them in gasoline and broken glass and thorns.

This is what life prepared me for, all those hard times, the fear and distrust. My body lies tense in bed, awaiting an enemy, and I must force my mind down into my limbs and relax them so I can rest for the next battle.

The enemy is outside. The enemy is past. I can only take the lessons I've learned and build myself strong again. My body is thinning out at an exponential rate but I feel energized and impatient and capable.

I press the thoughts out of my mind--it's time wasted now, analyzing. I know the truth. I always knew the truth, and no matter what he says or doesn't say, I now know to trust myself. What clarification can he give, when I know they're lies? I have the truth before me. I saw it, I let him talk me out of it, and I broke bonds with my body over him. Never again.

My future is before me, quivering, a new bud. It's the future I always wanted. I worked hard, I bled and toiled and struggled for this, I was lain low, I begged and cried and fought.

It seems such a simple thing to want. Stability. Comfort. A little bit of joy and excitement here and there.

When I look back over my shadowed past, it glows in comparison, new light. Stability. Comfort. A little joy. Making things with my hands, making things with my mind. Simple pursuits. Warm animals to care for, a little money in the bank, feeling maybe I've done some good in the world when I close up my eyes and die.

I won't let anyone take that from me again. I won't let myself regress back into the hungry animal, the creature they broke and used for parts.

Different faces, same man. How do I continue to let them silence me?