Wednesday, September 13, 2017

9-13

Something clicked within today.

I walk the night trails, the crushed gravel glowing and soft like I have forgotten my glasses. Only the water is sharp as I pause to look down into it. It reflect the world above, duplicates, confuses. Against the sky the mundane have their chance to be noticed--telephone wires no longer in competition with clouds and sun look poignantly black against their backdrop.

This morning I admired the sunrise, without him in my head. He stole too much of me. A feeble comparison. Why did I waste so much of myself admiring him and losing this beauty?

I have felt her, Myself, hovering, coming closer, and tonight she clicks back into place. Somehow my bones feel sweet and hard like brown sugar left too long in the air. My body is decadent and sticky in the night. I glance down with my night-cat sight and see my two legs, white, and note that I am not eating enough. I miss my thickness and my strength. It is like waking up from a long sleep. I look down and realize I have been hurting.

Against the sky, vivid leaves. I am a million layers. I am every other life I've lived, one cycle after another. I am my past and my future. I am my choices and my heart. My sugar bones move within me, crusted and sharp on the outside, and I feel myself building a new life, new layers.

Those who want to be whole, how small they think. He wanted to be whole. He seeks himself in others, in everything. He will always be unhappy, seeking himself, searching to patch holes, because we are everything. We are a hundred million pieces, we are a swarming biosphere of incalculable moments.

Why is that so frightening to some?

Why be a droplet when you can be a pond, a lake, an ever-moving river?

Why be a cell when you can be a hot vibrant living being?

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