Just like that, it's gone.
A huge burden that I have carried with me, and pushing always up the hill like Sisyphus. In thirty seconds, eliminated.
Who can I be, now?
This is the year I invested in myself. This has been a year of risks. I tried love and being stupid and being honest and being open and being vulnerable (it was terrible); I started a new career where I feel in way over my head day in and day out and I struggle consistently but I take home thick checks and I have insurance that pays for pills that keep the weight in my chest and my shaking feet and hands under control; I took money and I moved it around and I put it into myself, because it's time to start believing I am worth it, and, lo, some of that money is starting to come back to me because maybe I really am worth it.
This has been a year of growth. I am not who I was when it started. I am excited to see who I am when it ends.
The steps are lain out for me now, and I can see for once they're attainable. Independence. A home. Stability. Friendship. Love. Rest?
It's there, and I edge over them carefully, trying to be patient, trying to keep my footing. I've rushed in the past and I've tumbled over, but I am learning to be cautious- lightly, my darling, lightly- and I move forward.
My excuses have been stripped away and there's some level of anxiety there. Will I fail again? Will I fall back on bad habits?
I pause and look into my options, I weigh them, I step carefully and slowly. Who will I be when the bad habits are gone, when the burdens I've carried with me are no longer weighing me down? I already feel so light and strong. I may be unstoppable.
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