Nostaglia

I'm reading a book series I loved, but didn't understand, as a young girl with silly hopes and dreams, who thought she'd be a celebrated author by now, who thought she would be world-traveled and live in nights full of champagne and flirtations.

I read the words as an adult. Quiet. Tired. Stressed. I've chosen a different life than I would have expected. I saw more glamour in my days. Sparkle and glow. Instead I sigh a lot. I nag. I come home to my humble life and I clean. And yet, I am rather happy.

The words the author chooses are beautiful and rich. The characters exotic and unique. The main character, she falls in love with something ugly, who cannot love her back, and yet she goes to war for him.

I cry and cry, silently in my humble mattress on the floor of the loft in the home I bought for only myself, and I understand her now. I did not understand her as a young person, full of so many ideas and sure, sure beyond anything, that once I felt love, it would be reflected back equally.

She loves his dark soul, she saves it, she tolerates his dalliances and his love for others. She, in the ends, walks away.

I weep and drink wine and the words resonate around me in a way they never have.

Another potential love affair dies as quickly as it began, and I feel nothing.

How distressing. To be so numb. To see a fight and to walk away.

The battles I fought for love are long behind me. And stupid of me to fight them. One-sided battles.

I wasn't sure I was ready, and he gave me the words I needed to know. No. I will not fight for this. I will not go through this again.

I am happiest on my own, during those moments I forget how my heart was broken. When I read stories of handsome men who are cold inside and I don't think of him. When I remember I am strong and I will go to war - not for love (wasted), but for good. I am tired every day because I am fighting to make the world better.

Is that not better than love? Is that not a different kind of love, than the one that broke me down into nothing but anxious questing pieces?

I rest now, because there is not enough good in the world, and to me, it is everything to bring it blazing back. He says it is a double-edged sword, my intensity... I burn hot until I am embers.

But then I will burn again, because this world is mine to protect - for the dark souls, for the gold ones, for me and the things I love, and I will not be extinguished by frivolous disappointments.