Friday, May 4, 2018

Little touches

My body is sensitive so it will take some time, but some normalcy is coming back into my bones and I feel like myself again. This is hard work and long hours and I wonder if I will be able to manage it, building this life. My faith in myself wanes the more tired I become. I need some rest, and to spend some time beneath open sky.

It is easier to leave the bad memories behind me as new, better ones build over top, and I think maybe I understand why he replaced me so quickly, with someone simpler. A year of feeling gutted, I am starting to forget to be unhappy. He stays near, I never have to chase him. Little touches keep me grounded. Respectful tone and words even when we don't agree--what a concept! Maybe I'm not crazy and angry after all. When someone speaks to me kindly and listens, I do not seem to act like a monster. It still does bother me every day, the monster he made me, but that's just what it was, wasn't it? He tapped into the worst and extorted it. That is not me.

I can listen to the songs I loved that reminded me of him again and soon I will hear only the music. I can and will go to places he took me, and wash his residue away.

I want to be a clean slate, though perhaps that's asking too much. But I do want to be clean, be able to head into the new without dragging with me fear and doubt. I want to hear his words and believe them because he has given me no reason not to. I want to be fully myself again before I let anyone share in me.

I will. I almost am.

Spring rains and breezes are clearing old stale scents and memories from my home and I keep the windows open.


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