Uneven Zen

I'm reaching a level of zen, though it's shaky. Things in my life are back in place, calm and cool, and I can handle them again.

I feel my gut clench and I force it to relax.

This is life and I have to face it.

Maybe, I decided, I have to face him too. His happiness. This new life I keep denying he has. A woman he loves and gives, so easily, the things he denied me. Silly photos and trips. He convinced me it was so much to ask, so to see him, with her, providing them, smiling... these small things he told me were too much.

I can't decide how to deal with it. Immersion therapy is perhaps the one option I haven't tried.

Slam myself with images of him happy without me. God, he was so unhappy with me. I'll never understand why he stayed, and why he let me stay. It wore onto me, this unhappiness. I think we both wanted to be happy but so many walls were up. We threw weapons.

What did she do to take the walls down?

I'll never know,  and I tell my gut to relax. It's just life. Just keep living.

He loved me, that matters. He loved me wrong but he did. He loves her now, that matters. I want to come to terms with it and let it wash over me and away. I wake every day hurt and alone and I am so so tired of pretending he doesn't love her.

My life is my own, my path has veered sharply, but I am taking it with enthusiasm and bravado I don't quite feel. I need to own my choices. I need to calm my stomach and find a less shaky zen.