Open doors

I think I'm finally ready.

We shall see.

I haven't dated since the Good one, the one I thought, oh, this makes up for the last one. This is what it's supposed to be like - minus the lying and cheating and overall mental warfare.

I've had lovely women ask me how I find these good men (this was before, of course, the best one turned out to be an entire complete violent mindfuck wrapped up into a handsome outgoing selfless package - who knew a hotdog was mislabeled as sirloin? I remember a woman asking, is he just the most wonderful boyfriend? and that strange moment I paused and reflected and had to say no, no, he's really not).

You know how, my lovelies? I wait. I screen. I pick and choose.

Even the pretty slim one, the one who made the same mistakes only maybe even worse with the mind-killer, because he loved me (I suppose) and he fucked her, she's said it too- where do I find them.

I find them the same fucking places y'all do, I just work harder. I have more patience. I sit with my god-damn hand in the water wriggling my fingers until they go numb.

Now is the perfect insert for a finger wriggling joke but I'll hold off.

I discard willy-nilly. I trust my gut. I don't give in. And, in the end, there's usually one, maybe even two, who remain in the pool.

So, somehow this feels like a major event. Moving on from the one that did me real damage. Onto the first one since the one that showed me a glimpse at potential. At what love might be. I'll always thank him for showing me that love doesn't have to be a gaping chasm of self-doubt and depression.

Ambitious as fuck, smart, outdoorsy. Cute, at least I think so.

Chemistry? We will see. Probably he's not a manipulative monster out to ruin me, so I just won't be interested. Such is life.

But we'll see. I think he'll benefit me in the long run regardless, based on similar interests and an overall violent striving to make something of ourselves. And, excuse me for saying, but I think I can benefit people in the long run too, if they choose to respect and make use of me.

This feels like a major event.

Ducks are lining up. Things are happening for me. Life is happening for me.

I don't know if love is in the cards. I always thought for me there would be one, and always, for me, there has been one.

I just hope to God I was wrong.

Excuse me for saying, but I'd hate to think I was wasted on him.

I always knew in my gut for me there would just be One.

Time will tell.