Monday, May 9, 2016

Dirty Thirty

My lovelies-

I turned 30 recently. This happened. I'm acknowledging it openly and proudly. I greeted this milestone with my usual level of grace and maturity.

The good news is I'm still relatively hot so I'll be able to enjoy that for another 1-2 years before I have to grow a mustache and smoke a pipe and quote Plato at random dinner parties. This is what I assume distinguished elders are doing on a constant basis and I'm actually pretty excited to attend more dinner parties. I love both parties and dinner.

Anyway. To congratulate myself for staying alive for 30 years, 360 months, and approximately 4,380 days, here's a list of some of the things I have learned in my many hours, minutes, and seconds on this earth. May it guide you to make better life choices.


1) Chicken drumsticks can be used as a utensil for mashed potatoes and other softened root vegetables.

2) People like you more when you are yourself. Not all people, but seriously screw those people.

3) Your fairy-tale happy ending is there. But it's probably not Prince Charming on an impossibly clean white horse... it's a taco bar with your best friends, spontaneous road trips, or drinking tequila on a weeknight.

4) Everyone is fighting a battle. Acknowledge, accept, aid, and try to understand... but save some energy to fight your own.

5) Adopt an animal and you will never be lonely again. You will get a lot less sleep and there will be smells and substances you didn't anticipate, but I promise you won't be lonely. Text me pictures of them dressed in human clothes, I eat that shit up.

6) Catch up on "Game of Thrones." I'm going to accidentally spoil it for you if you don't and you can't really get mad at me because come on, I didn't do it on purpose Lisa and I can't keep track of which episode you're on all the damn time.

7) Take care of your teeth.

8) Eat 50% vegetables. If you cook those vegetables in a half cup of coconut oil it's fine it still counts I don't even care, butter is a healthy fat too so whatever.

9) Keep the people around who make you feel good the majority of the time. Get rid of the ones that don't. Definitely keep the funny ones. Give them my number. Ditch the ones that lie, manipulate, and drain you. #ByeFelicia those asshats.

10) Ducks rape each other. Team Chicken. Wait, do chickens rape each other? Holy hell. TBC.

11) Treat yourself with the kindness, understanding, and patience you would someone else. It makes it a lot easier to get through the hard patches when you're not fighting your own damn self. You're probably doing better than you think anyway so just chill the hell out.

12) Pay your bills on time. Get a job that lets you pay your bills on time. Complain about this job a lot because it sucks and it's boring and you have no social life, but it's easier to figure out the future when you're paying your bills on time. Then find a better job that doesn't make you miserable. I think that's how adults generally do it. I have like eight dollars in my bank account though so please don't ask me for budgeting tips.

13) Say what you mean and you'll save like a hundred hours a year of really shitty conversation. Also just make a fucking decision about where to eat; you're not strategically invading a country at every meal. For Chrissakes.

14) None of us have any idea what we're doing. I don't care what Facebook says.

15) Take everything with a grain of salt. Including this. Make your own list. Send it to me. Plz.

Cheers to another 30 of figuring it the fuck out, my friends! <3

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