Sunday, November 15, 2015

Comfort Food: My Life is Going Nowhere Meatloaf



Oh, herro there!

Welcome to my new Awkward Girl Blog, where I, MeMe, will be exploring the many important aspects of my life with you, my beautiful readers.

Mostly, that's food. Go figure.

However I'm stepping into this without putting restrictions on myself. And yes, that means there will probably be some posts about dating. Go figure.

I eat, I date, I complain, I swear, and I make stupid jokes. Since you've last heard from me I've done very little in the line of personal growth.

Go figure.


COMFORT FOOD: My Life is Going Nowhere Meatloaf.

Every once in a while you need some comfort food in your life. Like, for example, when you realize that your life is going absolutely nowhere.

Nothing pulls you out of that black downward spiral like calorie-loaded meals you barely have to waste energy chewing. After all, you need all your energy for job hunting and crying in the shower.

 

First of all, I like to start with the best ingredients my weekly spending budget of 13 cents can buy. For my meatloaf, I prefer grass-fed beef, because it's nice to think that the cows at least got to enjoy their short pointless lives before someone shot them in the head.

Additionally I use half a chopped sweet onion because at this point no one gets close enough for it to be an issue.I really load up on the garlic too. Who am I offending? The cats?

If you cry while chopping onions, my personal recommendation is to just give into it. 

I add in about half a cup of panko bread crumbs or more, depending on if that week I've decided I'm fat or not, and season with salt, pepper, Italian seasoning, and whatever else is handy. What's cumin? Do cats like cumin?

Stir all that shit together with an egg from cage-free chickens because even God's most disgusting creature deserved some brief chance at life and happiness. I saved up for 12 weeks to buy those eggs.

All the bees are dying.

Then I chop up potatoes for the Polish Girl's staple: mashed potatoes. 

Don't expect them all to make it. This is a metaphor or something. 

No, I didn't go to culinary school, why do you ask? 

Once your symmetrically chopped potatoes are on to boil and your meatloaf is in the oven which I forgot to tell you to preheat to 350, you may find you have a little time to kill. I like to spend this time checking my email for responses to any of the many many resumes I sent out. 

Hm. Weird. Nothing yet.  

Well, no worries. Everything happens in its own time. That's what the card said, the one your mom slipped under the door after you stood crying in front of the bathroom mirror with a clump of hair in your shaking hand and barber scissors in the other for three and a half hours straight.

Anyway. Maybe those potatoes are done by now.

They cook faster if you stare at them with laser intensity.

No. They've let you down like everything in else in your life. 

So time to check Facebook. Oh hey there's your ex, just showing right up without searching for him or anything. What's that dude been up to since you broke up?   



Mostly eating, it looks like.
Wait who's this bitch he's with.

Probably like... his whore sister or something.  


You know what maybe just... put some music on, or something. Something to cheer you up.

GOD ADELE JUST FUCKING GETS IT.
You know what you should do? Send him a Facebook message. A friendly, casual Facebook message. Fun and flirty and casual. I'll bet he's just been waiting to hear from you.
"Seen."

The good news is the potatoes are probably done by now. 


You know they're done when they scald your entire face.

Go ahead and drain them. Try not to burn yourself.  

Even if sometimes that's the only way you can feel things.


 Add in lots of cream and butter because who even cares anymore.

Butter is my favorite food.


Look at the stupid, smug face on that bastard. He knows what he's about to do three years from now.

Oh, right, your meatloaf is probably about done now. It's hard to keep track of time when you're calculating how much of your youth you've wasted dating narcissists who will replace you like a cheap lightbulb the moment you've had enough. But it's probably been like 40 minutes.

Mix brown sugar and ketchup into a paste consistency to pour over the top, and bake another fifteen minutes or so.



This gives you time to figure out where she's from, her political affiliation, her taste in music, how much she wants babies, her plans for the future, and also to friend request her three cousins and one brother.


I should text him. I'll be he misses me. He's probably totally depressed. 


"Read."


Your food is almost done! It's a stomach-warming substitute for your life devoid of any love or ambition! It's the best - oh, FUCK NO, he just uploaded a new profile picture of them together. 

The timing is just coincidental. 

HELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE!!!!!!!



After about fifteen minutes of intense sobbing, the meatloaf is done!




It's delicious!

Eat until your body has no room left for feelings.

Substitute oatmeal to make gluten free, and enjoy! Pairs well with poor life choices.